Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes!

Today was a pizza day for me!  Time was flying by and lunch appeared without me even knowing about it, till Frank from Jack's Pizza Shack called.  He asked me what I was doing tonight, and invited me to spend it with him and the rest of the crew.  I, of course, accepted the invite, and am going to have a great time bringing in the New Year.  They requested that I bring a new year's resolution list, so we can see who likes who they are, or who wants to change.  I personally like who I am, and I like my habits: live life to the fullest, make it the best you can, and be happy. God Bless America, Mankind, and this fucked up world we live in.  Have a Happy New Year!

***If you just started reading My Lampoon Life, you might want to start from the beginning, or read some of the old postings to find out about Jack's Pizza Shack.

Facebook

Today was one of those days where some people were rushing around, and others were just taking it easy because it is the end of the work week year.  I was keeping it on the easy-side: reading the paper, taking a few calls, and laughing about some of the people I met this year.  I finally got Netflix set up on my blue ray player, so that was another end of the year accomplishment I checked off my list.  But all in all, there is only one that I haven't been able to check off my list.  How do I actually make people, I do business with, believe that Facebook is not the best thing since sliced bread?  OK, you post shit on your wall and reply to other people’s shit on their walls, but if it really came down to throwing shit on a wall, it seems like an evolved form of graphite.  I do believe, if Facebook had more interesting options available; that would make it more applicable to me, or any person not living a digital adolescent life.  I would have more of an urge to log in, rather than waiting till someone sent me something that required I log in.  Hopefully there will be better options available on Facebook in the New Year, the same as, hopefully we can clean the shit off the walls in Washington.

Roller Coaster Of Life

Today was one of those days where I thought about something that had nothing to do with me or any useful thing in this crazy roller coaster we call life.  I was waiting to meet someone for a meeting; we had scheduled for two weeks, and was getting very impatient because he was 15 minutes late.  Sometimes, I am a patient person and can put up with peoples bullshit, but there are times I just lose my patients and my mind analyses things people don't find a sane person would think about.  OK, hold on to your seat belt because here we go.  Subway always has a lot of commercials, on every form of media in existence, for the $5 foot long, to the sandwich of the month, to the $2 six inch sandwich.  I am sure everyone would recognize the $5 foot long song if they heard it. But using a few math skills, that I acquired in the first grade, it is plain as day that 2+2=4. So why the hell didn't they make a $4 dollar foot long song for the two $2 six inch sandwiches.  And by the way, where the hell is Jared?

Pawn Stars

TV is an amusing form of entertainment, and most people have no problem finding a television show they like because there is such a broad selection to choose from. There are Comedy, Drama, Syfi, Reality, History, and other cable channels that specialize in specific genres. People also watch shows because of the unusual things in them. I find it funny that I record Pawn Stars, from the History Channel, on my DVR, but the show is addictive.  I have friends tell me it is the most boring TV show in the history television. But that is there opinion, and you know what opinions are like. Oh, you don't know what opinions are like?  They're like assholes, everybody has one. I find a lot of the items that people bring in, to sell on Pawn Stars, are very cool.  If I worked there, I would be over spending and go broke in no time, because I would want to take all the cool items home and put them on my entertainment center.  Oh well, maybe if I go broke I could work in a pawn shop and be happy, or shoot myself. Damn, I’m out of quarters!

Consultant Decaffeinated

I woke up this morning and felt like I had been ran over by an 18 wheeler.  After I got dressed and found my keys, I headed over to Shmeckler's Bean Café.  I made sure to stay out of the sunlight and sat at a back corner table.  While flipping through the paper, I noticed a guy, very aggressively, typing on his laptop computer.  I kept watching him pound away at his keyboard, and could not help but be curious about what he was writing.  My coffee cup was empty, so I went and got a refill.  On my way to refill the coffee cup, I slowly looked at what he was typing.  By the time I got back to my table, I was even more curious about what he was typing.  So, of course, I walked over to get more sugar for my coffee.  Hoping to piece together more of what he was typing.  OK, I think it might be me getting desperate to see what he was typing so strongly about.  I walked over to get a coffee stirrer to put in my coffee cup.  All I could piece together were words not really meaning anything.  I sat in my chair and through peripheral vision saw the guy get up and refill his coffee.  That was when I made a dash to his computer and tried to visually inhale, like in the Matrix, as much as I could.  When I saw him turn around I initially dropped my paper on the ground to gain more Neo time.  After I visually inhaled all that was there I picked up my paper and left Shmeckler's Bean Café.  Do you remember the post I made to My LampoonLife on November 17, 2011?  I mentioned how the name Shmeckler's was an advertising disaster.  And through my curiosity today, I found out that I was absolutely correct.  The mad, pounding, overly strong typing technique was produced by an ad campaign consultant for Shmeckler's Bean Café.  Besides telling them to maybe change the Café’s name, it would probably be helpful for the ad campaign consultant to switch to decaffeinated coffee. 

Return Day

Christmas is over!  The day most people can't wait till it happens, and when it is over, they are glad it is over.  The day after Christmas is what I nick name Return Day.  The day that everyone returns all the crap, they received, that they did not want.  Lets face it, how many times have you been given a gift that you absolutely didn't want?  I remember one Christmas that a relative gave me a sweater that was the ugliest thing I have ever seen. I mean, if the Elephant man wore that sweater it would actually make him look good.  I had to wear that sweater to every family function, that year, when the weather was cold.  There is a gas station that I always stop at to fill my car with gas, and both the cashiers laughed at me because of the sweater.  I was so embarrassed when I walked out; I took the sweater off and gave it to a bum.  When I sat in my car, I got out and went over to the bum, got the sweater back, and gave him a $50 bill.  I felt so bad, I had to get it back from the bum, not because a relative gave it to me, but because it was so damn ugly.  I have a policy now, when I get something for Christmas at a family function, that I don't like, I always mail it to the White House.  So much shit that happens there, I figure it might be useful in helping someone look better. 

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas!  I hope your Christmas is as good as mine!

Santa Carries A Gun?

If Santa Clause did exist as a living being, do you think he would carry a gun when delivering all the presents on Christmas Eve?  Unless he has some magical powers or carried a wand like freakin Harry Potter, he would have to have some form of protection other than his reindeer.  I am sure if he went down a chimney in a high crime rate neighborhood, there would be a conflict arise.  If a fat white man in a red suite broke into anyones house with a huge bag over his shoulder, what is the probability that someone thinks he is trying to rob them.  Lets put it this way, the odds aren't in the fat mans favor.  I am sure there would be gun play in Santa's history of delivering presents!  As a matter of fact, I wonder how many people would have actually been shot by the fat man.  I am sure all the deaths would be covered up by the media.  Santa's job would be very stressful, and I bet he would be very doped up on anti-anxiety pills.  There's probably a nerd elf that programs his delivery path and the reindeer are led by a GPS system.  Besides the commercial attributes that Christmas has adopted, lets not forget what it really means, and not forget our families.  Christmas is a time for families and beliefs.  Merry Christmas!

Hank Epstein

I wonder what type of gun Santa would carry?

Those Poor Elves

Today was the ending of the work week, and the day for all the office parties.  Everyone, that I knew, was in a jovial Christmas mood, and Christmas is starting to feel like fun this year.  I had some last minute shopping to do, and me not knowing what anyone wants, but knowing where they like to go.  I went to all the locations my friends loved to go and bought them gift cards.  Hey, gift cards always make people happy because they know they don't have to settle for some crappy present they will never use.  I know that sounds like something Ebenezer Scrooge might say, but let face reality for a minute.  I went to Jack's Pizza Shack, where everyone had a smile on their face knowing Christmas was only two days away, to pass out the gift cards I got those craze cats for Christmas.  It made me happy to see all of them know they were going to get something they really wanted.  A few of them said they were sorry for not having anything in return, but I wanted nothing, and seeing those smiles made me happier than anything they could given me.  OK, now is the time were you hear a big record scratch and everything stops, if watching this in a movie or TV show.  Amy came up to me and handed me her knew armature DVD, that she was not going to start selling to the beginning of the year,  and that was something my DVD collection was begging for.  Believe me, I know Santa's Elves could have only have dreamt of something that wild.  I feel kind of sorry for those poor little elves sometimes, knowing the closest female they have to them is Mrs. Clause, but I digress. Today was one of those days where I had a constant smile on my face and the feeling of Christmas in my heart.  Thanks to all my friends!  Oh, by the way, this is the first disk that Amy has released, in her armature series, in blue-ray.  Good Night Friends, Good Night Amy,  Good Night America, and Good Night to you poor little non-fucking Elves at the North Pole.

***If you just stared reading My Lampoon Life, you might want to start from the beginning, or read some of the old postings to find out about Jack's Pizza Shack and Amy.

Everything Digital

It seems like everything now is going digital.  I have no problem with the digital era that we are in, but there are some things I wish would stay the way they are.  I like the iPad, the Nook, and the Kindle and what all they have to offer.  The only problem I have with them, from the digital stand point, is they don't have the paper pages to turn like the books, newspapers, or magazines.  I said paper pages not turning digital pages.  When I go take a shit, I want to sit on my thrown with a book, a newspaper, or magazine and flip the paper pages and hold it in my hands.  I don't want to hold a rectangle digital flat screen computer in my hands to relax and do my business.  So the next time you are taking a shit, reading from one of the three for mentioned digital devices.  Think to yourself, would you rather be reading the paper copy instead.

What?

Would a tree make any noise if it fell in a forest and there is no one around to hear it?  Who gives a shit!!!!!!

Zombie Films

I love movies just as much if not more than the next person.  Movies are a great way to escape, be frightened, laugh at, and just a great form of general entertainment.  Some people don't like film sequels, but there are some sequels that are just as good if not better than the starting film.  Genres, on the other hand, can have a large amount of shit films that want to classify themselves in a genre.  Zombie movies, for instance, are a large amount of shit films.  OK, yes, I do like a few zombie films I have in my collection, but how many different zombie films can be made?  On Halloween my brother-in-law gave me a great idea for a comedy zombie film.  We were in a haunted house at an amusement park, and it was filled with a large number of zombie impersonators, both male and female.  My brother-in-law walked up to a cute zombie chic, in the haunted house, and said, “Hey baby, how would you like to go out.”  That lit up a light in my head, The Zombie Pick-Up Artist.  I wrote a pitch for it and never thought about it again, till now.  I still have it if anyone wants to option it lol!

How DEEP Can It Get

I, myself, am a restaurant junkie.  What I mean by that is I spend a lot of time in them for meetings, coffee, food, football games (Jack's Pizza Shack), and so on.  The funny thing is a lot of restaurants are franchises, and franchises are owned by different people with their own little quirks, some being bigger than others.  You should always ask the person working the register, when buying food in a franchise restaurant, who owns that restaurant.  That way you can find out if the person or group is running a good business, fair to their employees, and fair wages.  Just because a restaurant has a nice sign and a nice name does not mean they are nice to the people that work for them.  I have heard a lot of complaints about people who have worked for certain owners of some of the big name sandwich shops.  Do I invest or care to own a restaurant like that, no, but the point I am making is never buy a product from a restaurant or store that treats their employees like shit or cattle to slaughter.  OK, enough said!  I always hear one of my nephews bitching about how DEEP the shit is at his job, and I told him I would post something for him on my blog.  Oh by the way, Christmas is just a week away and your uncle could use a nice new laptop Jimmy!

Person Of Interest

I met with a friend this morning at a local mom and pop type restaurant for breakfast.  We both had an idea that we wanted to collaborate on to see if it might have chance in selling.  While we were at the table eating, we both noticed there was multiple security cameras positioned on the walls.  This was a very low tech establishment, but they had state of the art video surveillance.  My friend and I looked at each other and laughed.  We started writing down all the places, that we could think of, that would have access to the digital surveillance we have put on us each day. I went up the register and asked if I could borrow a magic marker.  My friend and I flipped the cheep paper menus over and wrote our phone numbers on them.  Here's where it gets funny.  We briefly circled the inside of the restaurant holding up the menus to where the cameras could read them.  We stopped by multiple stores and restaurants, in a 30 min period, in the same little town holding the menus up the cameras.  When at the gas station, filling my car up, both of our phones started ringing with unlisted numbers.  So if you are ever get pissed off at the system, Big Brother, Washington…, just remember, you can always express your feelings to a surveillance camera.  Let Big Brother know you opinion!

NC-17

I went to a movie today so I could think.  That's kind of odd, I know, but I think better in a movie theatre.  I tried to watch the movie for the first fifteen minutes, but it was so boring, I don't even remember what I was watching.  Movies are like sex: The older you get the less interesting they become unless you make them.  After about thirty minutes of hearing senseless crap on the screen while scribbling down my thoughts in a note book, I heard a back ground noise of two people having sex.  I ignored it as much as possible, but started noticing other people in the theatre turning around watching two college girls going all the way.  It was time for a break, so I turned around and was actually impressed with the on stage love making I was watching.  The two college girls must have been stoned because I don't think they even knew where they were, unless they are professional exhibitionist who should have won an Oscar for their NC-17 style performance.  It had come to the point where the entire theatre of movie going patrons was watching the two college girls without one eye on the movie screen.  The house lights came on and the two nice young women were escorted out of the theatre.  Once again, the movie was so bad; the theatre had cleared out, except for me, no longer than five minutes after the actresses of the year had left the building.  A quite theatre, a boring movie, and time to think: what a great afternoon.

Lampoon

Life is Funny!  Maybe it all depends upon how you look at it.  Kick it in the nuts before it kicks you.  My Lampoon Life was created from the idea that everything in life is funny because of all the assholes in it.  This definition of lampoon comes from dictionary.com

lam·poon   [lam-poon]

noun

1. a sharp, often virulent satire directed against an individual or institution; a work of literature, art, or the like, ridiculing severely the character or behavior of a person, society, etc.

Oh well, shit happens, sometimes you just have to say fuck it!

Date A Dollar

Have you ever been on a blind date before?  They can be fun at times, but also be an expense that turns out to be a total failure.  There are certain things that I always listen for when people try to set me up on a blind date, and if any of these red flags show their true colors, I refuse to go on the date.

1)      She has a great personality – That means she's either as ugly as Godzilla or as fat as Orca.

2)      The president of college social movement or party – That means she either hates men and doesn't want to date, or she is a lesbian.

3)      She has either studied law or passed the bar – That means she is going to be overly anal about everything from her water glass at dinner to the theater chair in which she sits.

Take it from a man who knows how to save a dollar.  If you don't read the flags, a blind date can be your worst nightmare.

Lost In Translation

I'm not sure how many of you have passports, but it was time for me to renew mine.  I went and stood in line waiting to get my picture taken, and noticed that the people trying to get or renew their passports could speak very little if any English at all.  The lady taking the pictures for the passports was a translator, and it seemed to be helpful for what she was doing.  When I handed her my papers, she looked over them and asked me a few questions.  I answered her promptly, not to hold up the long line.  She looked at me and kept repeating herself.  I kept answering her questions and was getting perturbed.  She finally found it upon herself to say, “I am a translator and know 6 different languages, but I can't understand one word you've said.”  I plainly looked at her and said, “Why not make it 7 languages and learn English Bitch?”  I took my paper work and left and went to a place that spoke English to get my passport renewed.  This is America isn't it?  So why do I have to speak a foreign language to get my passport renewed.  God Bless America!

Christmas Cheer 2

Here is another funny Christmas Song.  It is The 12 Days of Christmas by  Bob & Doug McKenzie.    Bob & Doug McKenzie, from The Great White North, where two characters that use to be on SCTV.  I hope you enjoy their animated rendition of The 12 Days of Christmas.

What A Schmuck

Well I lost $60 yesterday! Football Sunday was a crash because the team I was betting on was a sure win, but lost. I didn't bet Amy because I know my luck, and I needed my car today. Although I did have my car today, I ended up wishing I didn't. I had a meeting that I attended, parking my car in a parking garage. After the meeting, I went out to my car, and saw the words Limp Dick written on my car windows in lip stick. My car door was unlocked, so I looked inside to see if they had stolen anything. Everything looked intact, but I found a letter from a woman setting on the front seat. I opened the letter, read it, and looked at the pictures enclosed. I laughed because it was a letter from a lady wanting a divorce, and had the pictures of her husband cheating on her. I suppose a private investigator must have taken the pictures because he must have used a lock pick to get in my car. After I cleaned my windows, I drove to Joe's Tavern, and told all the guys what had happened. We all had a good laugh about the schmuck and his dumb wife. Makes you wonder why people get married anymore.

Christmas Cheer

After Thanksgiving, commercial shopping areas always play Christmas music, and if you listen to radio stations, you will catch a few Christmas songs here and there.  Whiles flipping through  the channels today on my car radio, I heard the song Father Chirstmas by The Kinks.  I bet a lot people have not heard this song, and I have always considered Father Christmas to be the best Christmas song of all time.  To be part of the Christmas season,  I found the song on youtube and would like to share it with all my blog readers.

Cold Chicken

Have you ever gone into a Steak & Shake because it was so cold outside you were freezing your balls off?  Then, when the waitress ask to take your order, you order a freaken milk shake.  That makes you wonder why the chicken crossed the road.

Shit On A Plate

Have you ever been in a new city and found a hole in the wall restaurant that has the best food you have ever eaten?  If you travel as much as I do, you can find that to be a frequent occurrence.  My friend, you notice how I never mention my friends names, and I were down south and came across a 24 hour pancake restaurant called Pile Of Pancakes.  We walked in the door and were sitting at a table when a tall humongous burley looking woman walked over and handed us the menu.  We told the large lady we would need a few minutes to look over it.  As she was walking away my friend whispered, “What's her name, Bertha?”  The lady, still walking, did not even turn around and said, “That's my name.”  My friend and I, with our eyes wide open, were laughing, holding the menus over our faces.  It is always the first rule when you go in a restaurant to eat, never piss off your server or cook.  When Bertha came back to our table, to take our order, my friend and I apologized.  Better safe than food poisoned!   While we were waiting on our food, I tried finding reviews about Pile Of Pancakes on my IPhone.  An older gentleman, in the booth behind us, heard my friend and I talking because we were getting nowhere on finding anything about the restaurant.  He told us to ask Bertha. She could tell us anything we wanted to know about Pile Of Pancakes.  Bertha brought the pancakes to our table and we ate them like they were going out of style.  They were the best damn pancakes I had ever eaten.  My friend and I ate so much, we had to sit there for a few minutes before we could stand up.  Bertha brought the check to our table and we asked her about the history of the restaurant.  She told us the pancakes are made from her recipe, and she owns the restaurant.  My friend and I were impressed.  Even though she looked like an off spring of Jobba The Hut, she knows how to run a business and run it right.  We could not help but ask her about the simple but blunt name she chose for her restaurant.  This is one of those situations where you are glad you ate first!  She told use the name was brought to life when her dog ate some of the raw pancake batter and could not quite defecating huge piles of what she called a Pile Of Pancakes. You know, that is one of those things you keep to yourself.  I thought the pancakes where unbelievable, but now every time I thought of the name, Pile Of Pancakes, I kept picturing them serving me a huge pile of shit on a plate.  Thank you Bertha!

Twitter?

I never thought I would do it!  One of my friends talked me into using Twitter to connect with other people on the Internet.  I could not help but give it a try.  I signed up on Twitter, and tweeted everything that I had posted on my blog, My Lampoon Life.  This is where it gets dangerous; I started wondering what all Twitter was actually used for. 

Is it used by people transporting Illegal Aliens into other countries? 

Transporter:  Meet at the fence by the River.

Multiple Illegal Alien Replies:  We have the five chickens for payment.

Transporter:  No chickens, American Money only!

Multiple Illegal Alien Replies:  We have no America Money!

Transporter:  No cash, no pick up!

Multiple Illegal Alien Replies:  We have no cash.  Do you accept credit cards?

Transporter:  Only American Express!

Multiple Illegal Alien Replies:  We never leave Mexico without it.

More to come…

Block Party

Today is Wednesday, commonly known as Hump Day.  Most people have the understandable reason that Wednesday is Hump Day because it is in the middle of the week.  There are some that claim it was given the nickname Hump Day because so many people had a hard time spelling Wednesday and it would make it easier to spell Hump Day.  When I was in the sixth grade, I had a different reason for thinking Wednesday was called Hump Day.  I use to walk home from school every day, and all of the houses, in my neighborhood, where close together, touching the sidewalk.  To the right of my house lived the Klein's, and to the right of them lived the Horowitz's.  Every Wednesday Mr. Horowitz would take a half day off work, and I don't care if it was rain, hail, sleet or snow outside, he would be banging Mrs. Horowitz, a screamer.  They always went at it with their window open and their shade pulled down. Anyone a few blocks over could here Mrs. Horowitz and her Hump Day banging, I swear.  In my neighborhood, it became almost like a block party every Wednesday (Hump Day).

Letters Make Words

A smart phone is a fun and useful gadget to have now days; it can be helpful in business situations and be used for fun and entertainment.  There is a game app for the smart phones called Words With Friends.  The game is a lot like Scrabble.  I am not going to go into great detail on how the game works because there are a lot of people out there that already know all the rules.  I have been playing a friend, on Word With Friends, for about 2 weeks, and the letters I am given to pick from are not very useful.  My options on where to place the letters, on the board, were very slim, considering you have to go from left to right or top to bottom.  The only words that I could find to use where either insulting or slang cuss words.  So the next time you play a game with someone and they use the words Ho, Dyke, Jew, Wasp, or any other ethnic, racial, or sexual slang, just laugh and go on, because it might be the only words they have to choose from. 

How Lucky Can One Person Be

Today started of bright and early with a hangover morning.  I partied with the crew at Jack's Pizza Shack last night, and ended up having to take a cab home.  But hey, you have to do that sometimes especially when you don't remember where your car is.  My head stopped throbbing as the day progressed, and I was still taking a cab everywhere I need to go.  At four o'clock I called Jack's Pizza Shack and Frank answered the phone. 

“Where's my car,” I asked. 

“It's at Amy's apartment,” Frank said.

“What?”

“You don't remember loosing the bet to her?”

“I was so drunk; I woke up this morning not knowing my own name.”

“I know the feeling,” said Frank.

“Whats her address,” I asked?

I went over to Amy's apartment to get my car, and, as soon as I got out of the cab, I saw her walking down the stairs toward me.  I was thinking to myself, “What the hell did I do last night?”  When she walked up me, I could not help but be a gentleman about the whole situation and apologize, considering we were both drunk.

“Hey Amy, about last night,” I said.

“No problem,” Amy said.

“Really?”

“Yea, sorry you lost the bet.”

I was totally confused.

“Yea,” I said.

“Thanks for letting me borrow your car,” Amy said.

I looked puzzled as she put the car keys in my hand.  It was then, all of a sudden it all came back to me.  “I might need the car next Monday, so if you want to bet again, I'm game,” she said.  Getting drunk, getting laid, and not remembering it; I'm not even that lucky.

The Missing Link

I was talking to a friend today about the names of all the food we eat and could not stop laughing about Buffalo Chicken.  Some people might call it Buffalo wings, all depending on what part of the chicken it comes from.  You can learn more about the history of how it possibly got its name at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_wing. But in the long run, have you ever seen a Buffalo Chicken?  Well today is your lucky day!

Choose Or Loose

Why did people during the 70s smoke a lot of weed?  Lets face it; they didn't have too many options unless they really wanted to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer!

Mascot Rumble Of 2011

Today started off great, and I was able to keep to my morning schedule.  I had a meeting at Shmeckler's Bean Café that turned out to be as promising as I thought it would.  The coffee today at Shmeckler's even tasted better than normal, almost living up to its overpriced reviews.  In whole, I think this morning could not have gotten any better till I saw the best mascot rumble of 2011, Shmeckler's Bean Café versus Carl's Coffee Extravaganza, and it made me almost choke on my coffee.  OK, they are both coffee houses; one is for the “hip” crowds while the other one is a dive strip club trying to use the coffee to get people in the door for business at all hours.  Shmeckler's has a mascot that looks like a big walking coffee cup that talks to everyone on the sidewalk, while Carl's mascot looks like a huge pair of walking boobs that has Carl's Coffee printed on the bra and pass out flyer's.  Although Carl's Coffee Extravaganza is a dive, they were selling coffee cheaper than Shmeckler's Coffee Café and stealing a few of their customers.  Besides watching Chic's strip while drinking coffee, I think Shmeckler's has a better atmosphere.  The Rumble that took place was over the two mascots arguing that they were each getting to close to the others establishments to try and steal customers.  They would argue, here and there, then make a few bumps at each other until it broke out into full fledge war between the two mascots on the sidewalk.  This is where I almost choked on the coffee.  The walking coffee cup was throwing blows at the huge walking boobs.  The Boobs then ran toward the coffee cup, and actually jumped in the air pouncing on the coffee cup. They then started rolling on the dirty wet sidewalk still throwing punches at each other.  Now how many people can say they have actually seen a walking coffee cup fight a pair of walking boobs? I am not sure how many, but I can say I have.  Only In America!

Party At The Shack

Those cats at Jack's Pizza Shack really know how to party.  They closed the doors to anyone under 18 last night and had a wet t-shirt contest.  Frank, in his 20s, is always coming up with ways to bring in more money in case Bob, the manager, looses the oven to the bookie like he did last Saturday.  I think they made more money last night than they did with the Xbox/keg party.  Me being an expert on the female anatomy couldn't help but notice all the fine molded females that took part in the wet t-shirt competition.  And let me bring to your attention how it is almost winter, and how wonderful all the twin peaks that were brought to everyone's attention were a nonstop party engine.  It was very easy to notice that most of them could have cut glass, but I saw a few pair that could have cut diamonds.  I have had a splitting head ache all day and I honestly do not remember even coming home last night.  The amount of alcohol I put in my body, last night, could have killed any normal man.  But hey, I have lived in L.A. and in New York and have been to some business parties that would have been a sin to most people.  I never have mentioned what I do for a job!  Fuck, my head feels like it is caught between two concrete tits bouncing back and forth and never stopping.  I will have to remember that analogy lol!  Oh well, I almost over dosed on tits and alcohol last night what do you expect.

Guns & Girls

I must admit that I am a nerd at heart, and love comic books.  They amuse me as a form of entertainment that bust loose, on the pages, and can offer you things that movies can't offer.  Depending on what company, main stream or independent, publishes the comic series, that even you yourself might enjoy, can make a big difference in how graphic (violent, gory, nudity) the story and artwork can be.  All nerdiness aside, is it just me or my over observant personality that notices how 90% of the time the cover of a comic book is a hell of a lot better than the story/artwork in the comic book itself?  So when you walk into a comic book store, and see some hot big breasted babe on the cover or a kick ass dude carrying a Rambo machine gun, looking like he is ready to flatten evil in one smooth swipe, just remember you can't read a book by its cover.

My Own T-Shirt

Lets pick up where we left off yesterday.  I was talking about, if I was a ghost writer, why would I use the name Hank Epstein? There are flashier names I could use to be someone else. I use to catch hell from people about my name around 1997 and still do occasionally.  If something becomes familiar to everyone, especially in pop culture, like a TV show, a song, a movie, among other things,  it is very easy to get labeled and laughed at if your name is part of a quote or character form the pop phenomenon.  Have you caught on to where I am taking this?  I was portrayed as a cartoon character and laughed at because we had the same name.  The one thing that bothered me the most was the cartoon character was not even an animated person.  I almost felt like changing my name because I could not even go to my favorite coffee house without someone cracking a joke. Have you figured it out yet?  For those who have not figured it out yet, they referred to me as a turd?  Yes!  They took my name and referred to me as the talking turd on South Park, Mr. Hanky.  That right, they took my name, Mr. Hank E, and even made t-shirts with a characterture of my face on them. I did get a lot of free drinks because of it, but I never got laid because of my name, go figure.

Richard Castle, The Writer

Like most people, who like TV shows, I like a good police drama with a touch of comedy added to its clue finding suspense.  The TV show Castle really hits the spot when I am looking for that type of entertainment.  Embarrassing, some might would think, but I have seen every episode of Castle, and love the characters so much that I wanted to see if the books (New Wave, Heat Rises, and Naked Heat) from the TV show were as entertaining.  I found them to be as good as I was hoping they would be, but who actually wrote them?  The books are tagged with by Richard Castle on them. Does ABC think that humanity just fell of the turnip truck?  Maybe I will have to give ABC half credit on that one because I am sure there are a lot of people who think Richard Castle, the TV character, actually wrote the books.  How would you like to be a ghost writer, and have a book on the New York Times best-selling list, and no one knows who you are?  That would be a total “Why Me” situation.  I am sure ABC has no intent on telling who wrote the books by Richard Castle.  That really makes me think.  Are we sure that the popular book’s that we read are actually written by whose name is on the cover?  Hell, for all you know, I might not even be Hank Epstein, but if I were a ghost writer I am sure there are flashier names that I could pick from.

Jack's Pizza Shack

Today was a good football day; compared to last Sunday when I lost $20, but today I won $40.  The running game was not in the dirt like it was last week, and I got my pizza for half price.  That's why the Jack's Pizza Shack ad is posted on my blog.  Amy wasn't working today, but I found out a few things about Jack's Pizza Shack that was just as funny.  They had a midnight Xbox/keg party at the restaurant last  night and charged a cover price to enter.  The funny thing about it was their manager, Bob, was losing more money on the college football games than he could pay off, so his bookie took the pizza oven last night till he could pay up.  They brought in enough money on the cover charges to pay off the midget bookie named biggie, and he was nice enough to put the oven back in free of charge.   I'm not lying, that's what was so funny about this shit because you could actually sit back, drink a pitcher of beer, watch the whole fiasco, and be entertained. Oh yea, I found out who Jack was, surprisingly it wasn't Bob, but that is another complete blog posting all together because the crew at Jack's Pizza Shack invited me to a party tonight. With the way things are going, maybe Amy will be there.

Yesterday's Commercials

A DVR (Digital Video Recorder) is a great piece of equipment to add to your entertainment system.  Not only does it save you a great deal of time, but the headaches it keeps you from having helps add more time to life before you hit its off ramp.  Like everything else in life, a DVR also has a down side.  Let me correct that; a lot of people who own DVR’s make them look like they have a down side.  I lost count when I ran out of fingers, toes, and other body parts to keep track of all the times I have seen it happen.  Have you ever been in a restaurant or a store and someone in line is bitching because they were over-charged?  Then, thinking they are smarter than the person at the register, they quote the commercial and round it out with, they saw it on TV.  To cut a long, better when drinking shots, story short, they were watching a TV show the night before which they had recorded weeks earlier on their DVR.  From the actions of the people I just mentioned, I guess it goes to show that a DVR never gets “old” because it makes some people think today was yesterday, or the day before that, etc. Life might not always be a bowl of cherries, but better you laugh at it because if you don't it will only laugh at you.

Free Ticket Friday

What is Black Friday: a shopping rush, a time to under pay for something that might not work on Christmas, a knock down drag out fight, or the only day/night of the year that some people crawl out from under their rocks?  With all the pros and cons that exist on Black Friday, I must say today was the funniest thing I had ever seen.  My friend and I went out in to the mad crazed rush, not to shop, but to watch the people fight over the crap they will probably have to bring back after Christmas.  It is like a free viewing of the gladiator games in the commercial retail coliseum.  As my friend and I stood in the electronics department at the commercial retail coliseum, I said, “You know what would be really funny?”

 He said, “What?”

“I would love to see what the crowd would do if I yelled there are three new 52’’ high definition flat screen TVs on sale for $20 each in sporting goods!”

“Don't do that dude; they will kill us!”

But low and behold, there was a kid that heard half of our conversation and yelled out what he heard me say.  I swear I had never seen a bigger heard of cattle at one time in the same place.  Thank God no one got hurt.  My friend and I were laughing, while trying to keep a straight face, as we casually left the store like we had seen absolutely nothing.  If we had known the kid was going to yell what he did, we would have filmed it with our phones and made it a youtube moment.  Hey, maybe next year?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!  Please do not eat turkey and drive (zzzzzzzzzzzz)!

Negotiating Time Travel

I had a meeting today; over a project I am looking forward to working on, and was getting lost when they were negotiating.  I wasn't getting lost because I didn’t know what they were talking about, but was getting lost because I was day dreaming.  When people are throwing numbers back and forth and insisting on this or that with no intent on budging, I always wonder how many different outcomes could be possible and what they would be.  OK, I am not trying to be confusing, but this is where it gets fun because what If you could time travel and could go back in time and change what you say or do to see what the outcome would be.  You could tell the lawyers, that are making no since or that are trying to cheat you, to kiss your ass.  You have a list of people you could tell to shut up and sit down if they continue to linger on the same things over and over to hide something that they don't want touched in the contract.  After about 30 minutes of day dreaming and thinking of all my outcomes, I started laughing so hard I was coughing.  You could have heard a pin drop; everyone in the room turned around and looked at me as I stood up.  I said, “Well guys, you know what I want and you know what I need, but time travel is just a theory.”  They looked at me like I was crazy as I walked out the door.   Fuck’em!   They will give me more of what I want closer to the end of the year.

Chef Gordon Nightmare Ramsay

Chef Gordon Ramsay is a man who has many TV shows and owns a number of great restaurants around the world.  One of his popular TV shows is called Kitchen Nightmare.  The reality show, Kitchen Nightmare, consist of the story idea where they contact him to help fix their restaurant: he samples their food and tells them it taste like shit, he tries to find out from the owners and employees why their restaurant sucks and is losing money, then he turns it all around by changing the people and their menu.  OK, seems simple enough, but how do they actually find these restaurants?  They supposable contact him, but are they really answering an ad or call to find restaurants in their situation?  Did they read a posting on Craig's List:  is your restaurant losing money, does the food from your menu taste like shit, are you an idiot and do not realize you can kill people from serving them rotten meats and vegetables, did your chef learn how to cook in a fast food restaurant, or did you listen to the chic that you brought back from Bangkok on her investment advice (human trafficking never pays)?  I just hope to God the restaurants that are on Kitchen Nightmares are not a general reference to the American food industry

A Topless Pizza Part 2

Yesterday was a normal football Sunday, but like I wrote on the November 6, 2011 post (please re-read), my football viewing pleasure would take place at the pizza restaurant, Jack’s Pizza Shack.  The girl, Amy, who I saw sneaking to the restroom, has willingly cut her hours down on her work schedule because her alternate income, selling Amateur DVD’s of herself, is more satisfying.   Although her DVD’s are amateur, I must say the production quality is mighty pleasing.  Since Amy was not there on Sunday I watched the football game, ate some overpriced pizza, and drank a few beers.  While I was watching the miserable running game that drove itself in the dirt, I was over hearing a few of the waitresses talking.  They referred to customers as bellybuttons.  I could not help but interrupt their conversation by asking them how in the hell are customers bellybuttons.  They plainly replied that customers are either innies or outties , entering the restaurant or leaving the restaurant.  I laughed, drank a few more beers, and lost twenty dollars on the lousy football game.  Even though I was out twenty dollars, it was not all a loss because I at least had another DVD to add to my collection.

Santa: The Serial Killer

Have you ever seen a skeleton with a bow on its head, a turkey with an arrow through its heart, or Santa Clause chopping off a human’s head with a bloody cleaver in his hand?  I am surprised we do not see advertisements like that during the last three months of the year.  Every year the three holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, are merged closer and closer together through advertising.  I can understand a company wanting to be first and have its foot in the holiday season door to make money, but let’s not make a cluster f*** out of it.  Before long we will be watching advertisements of Santa being possessed, holding a Rambo machine gun, and mowing down flock after flock of wild turkeys.  Then someone will take the idea and make a movie out of it.  Only in America!

Kevin Smith

In my opinion, Kevin Smith is a great comedy writer and director.  I love his movies; for example, Clerks, Mall Rats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Clerks 2, etc.  I understand he might want to make a few changes in what he has to offer society as far as entertainment is concerned, Red State, but what was he thinking?   Instead of having the two stoner's, Jay and Silent Bob, take control and save the day, why did he have to literally kill almost everyone in the story; for example, the three teenagers trying to get laid,  the gay sheriff, and so on?   Why didn't he put Jay and Silent Bob in Red State like he did in the movies listed above?  The eco dump/compost collective, which turned out to be a marijuana grow house, should have had Jay and Silent Bob intertwined with it.  But of all things, when the three high school boys where going to get laid and side swiped the sheriffs car, it should have been Jay's head that popped up from the sheriffs lap, an extension of the way George Carlin told them how to hitchhike in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.  Lets not forget Silent Bob, he would have been taking a piss on the bushes, and when the car was side swiped, he would have turned his head to see what happened with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.  I am not totally saying I did not care to see Red State, but I am trying to point out how it would have been more entertaining if Kevin Smith had put his two signature characters in for cameo appearances.

Youtube Moment

Stop!  I am warning you this blog post is gross. Yes, this is a disclaimer, so if you get sick or feel woozy after reading it, don't blame me.  

Have you ever ridden on a bus?  For those who have, you know sometimes they can be over crowded, very uncomfortable, and make you realize public transportation, more than often, really sucks.  I rode the bus to a meeting today, call me cheap, but I did not want to drive my car on the bumper bumping city streets.  The bus was so crowded I had to stand and hold on to one of the grimy passenger handles to keep from falling every time the driver slammed on his breaks.  Everyone was so close together, breaking each other's personal space, there was no doubt the word comfortable had been socially taken out of the English vocabulary during the bus ride from hell.  You ready for the gross part?  There was a lady standing beside me and between the two of us was her 10 year old daughter.  Her daughter grabbed her stomach and started coughing while facing a row of people that were staring at her.  Then out of the blue, the sick girl vomited all over them.  I don't mean once but three times.  It was not just a casual vomit but one that had a projectile spraying everything around it.  I watched people wiping the vomit off their bodies, and saw one lady stand up, that had open sandals on, with the vomit squishing between her toes.  Everyone on the bus had their eyes and mouths open wide, saying nothing, just hoping it was all over.  That was a definite Youtube moment.  I, of course, felt like the chosen one because I did not get one chunk, splat, morsel, or ricochet of the vomit on me. 

The Art Of Counting

I didn’t have any meetings today, so I just relaxed and did whatever came along.  At 11am I decided I should take a coffee break and stop at Shmeckler's Bean Café.  I am sorry but that is just not a name to use for strong advertising, but I digress.  I was standing in line listening to the two women in front of me talk about someone counting.  They gave an example of the person counting to twenty by using the numbers 1,2,3,4,5,12,15,17, and 18.  I could not help myself but laugh at the, what seemed to be, creative accounting.  The two fairly attractive women turned to me and stared.  I kept laughing and said, “You know, I couldn't help but over hear your feelings about congress”.  One of the women gave me a smart ass look and said, “I am talking about my two year old son”.  I offered my apology and they turned away.  Mistaking a two year old kid counting to twenty for the creative accounting techniques of how congress spends our money made me skip the coffee and drive to Joe's Tavern.  At least Joe's Tavern has a cool logo.

You Can Bank On That

I have often questioned banks about their policies, and find it very pretty insulting that they change rules at their convenience.  OK, most companies do things or request things from their customers in the scheme of make more money.  I can understand that if you are selling a whole sale product, retail, or even food.  But when banks invest your money for themselves, I think they should be able to cover the petty issues instead of price gouging everyone; for example, checking account, ATM cards, etc.  I thought all things had been achieved for a bank to take your money, but they seem to be so desperate in hoping that you screw up that they even put Braille on the key pads at the drive through ATM's.  They always insist that you do not walk up to the drive through ATM's, so how is the Braille going to be of much use.  Are they getting so desperate that they hope a blind person is subsequently driving a car and can pull into the, more than often, narrow area to use the ATM.?  If by good fortune a nice blind person could get their car to the ATM, how in the hell are they going to read the screen.  All things said can really make you wonder about evolution and if it just stopped a wee bit short of its objective when it comes to banks and their mentality.

Picture This

I was walking out of the book store today, and I saw a male and female couple sitting on the sidewalk in front of the liquor store.  They were kissing, so I thought to myself, well that's there business, and kept walking.  By the time I had walked half way to my car, I heard noises from them that sounded like two steam engines getting ready to collide. I could not help myself, so I turned around and saw clothes flying through the air.  Apparently these two, either drunk or exhibitionist,  love makers were ready to take flight.  They just kept going full steam ahead till a police car drove up.  Both of them were wrapped in blankets and placed in opposite patrol cars.  After the show was over,  I got my happy ass up and was opening my car door.  I was almost in the car when a, questionably, friendly police officer started asking me questions about what had happened.  I told the “nice” police officer in GREAT detail what I had seen, or, I should say, what they had done.  Over all my day was pretty good except for when the police officer made me erase the pictures off my phone.  Hey, I’m only human. 

Tax Write-Off

I never knew there were activists for gerbils!

Ground Control To Major Tom

A contact link use to be part of the essential formula used in constructing a web page.  That was for the simple purpose of anyone having a compliment, complaint, or question about a person's web page, and making it mere child's play on how to contact them by e-mail.  With that being said!  I have started to notice that the word contact is disappearing from a number of web pages.  Some people are starting to use  <form> script for you to be able to contact them which is no problem,  but when they require you to join their web page before you can contact them, that's them telling you to kiss their a**.  If someone has something to say about my blog, please send me an e-mail: hankepstein@mylampoonlife.com  .  I accept compliments, complaints, questions, donations, phone numbers, hot pictures, more donations, more hot pictures, your fantasies, but please don’t send suicide notes. 

Emo Land

The video below, by Lampoon Toons, says it all.  Emo this!

  

Explosion At 10:00

I received a phone call today from one of my college roommates.  It had been awhile since I had heard from Van, and was glad to hear from him.  He was quite a character in college. He was also a proven fact that the human body runs like clock-work. How you ask!  Let me tell you.  Every night we were in college he would pass gas, break wind, or fart (however you would like to say it) at 10pm.  And at 10pm, there was an obscure cable station with a TV show that made us laugh until we cried.  I don't care if we were studying, partying, or just sleeping.  Van would have a huge ass explosion that was like an alarm telling us to turn on the TV.  We actually started making money by taking bets on his nightly ass explosions when we were broke.  So what did I learn in college?  I learned that an ass explosion is not just funny, but shows what a wonderful piece of biological machinery that the human body can be.  Oh by the way, Van admitted, except for daylight saving time, he still has a 10pm ass explosion every night.

A Dollar Plus Tax

Now days a lot of people are watching their dollars, and for good reason, considering how prices keep rising.  But taking to account all the things that people really hate hearing about in an economy that is chancy, there still lies’ some humor in the whole dollar fiasco.  When someone see’s the word dollar in a stores name most people, more or less, think that things would cost a dollar in the freakin store; for example, The Dollar Tree, or The Dollar General Store.  The Dollar Tree’s store name is correct and you can purchase a wide assortment of products for a dollar in the store, plus tax lol.  The Dollar General Store, on the other hand, has a very misleading name. Not everything is a dollar in The Dollar General Store and a lot of times you have to search for the price and can’t even find it, why, because the product price you are searching for cost more than a dollar.  So the next time you want to pay a dollar, plus tax lol, for product, just remember you always get what you pay for.

Fifteen Years In The 4th Grade

I love to watch TV shows and feature films just like the next person, but when a TV show has a long life it really makes me wonder what the characters could become.  I like the TV show South Park, by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and love the shows main characters; for example, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, and Kenny.  This year, 2011, is the 15^th season that South Park has been going strong and the 15^th year the main characters have been in the 4^th grade.  They should be finishing their Masters Degrees this year, in our current space-time continuum, but that’s real life not South Park.   Just call me crazy but I would love to see if Cartman becomes a politician, or if Stan becomes a Botanist who grows some great weed that puts him on the cover of High Times Magazine, or if Kyle becomes Steven Spielberg’s Lawyer, or if Butters becomes a high school councilor, or if Kenny lives in a plastic bubble to help protect him from dying.  Let’s not forget Wendy.  I would bet my left nut that she either gets knocked up by Stan or becomes a lesbian.

Stupid vs. Ignorant

Today I watched someone ask a question at a sandwich shop, S****Y, that made me realize how stupid people can really be.  Let’s start with the definition of two words that one may be mistaken for the other.

Used as adjectives

Stupid: Lacking intelligence or common sense.

Ignorant: Lacking knowledge or awareness in general.

I was standing in line telling the nice person what I wanted on my sandwich when I noticed a confused guy at the register.  He was asked what size drink he wanted, and then he stared at the cups with a very questionable look on his face.  The cashier was patiently waiting and asked the guy if he wanted a medium size drink.  The guy still looking as clueless as any living human being could, asked the cashier if all the sizes where the same price.  Let’s give this guy the benefit of the doubt for a second.  No let’s not because there were three sizes for him to choose from with each one of them being 10 ounces more than the one bellow it; for example, 20oz, 30oz, 40oz.  Who, in their own mind, would think you could purchase 40oz’s of a product for the same price you could 20oz’s of the same product in the same store? That’s not ignorant that's just F***EN STUPID.  You don’t think so?  Re-read the definitions listed above.  Common sense is something a large part of society is really lacking.  Yes their stupid also lol!

Road Rage "Blows"

I was driving to the gas station today, taking my time and not breaking the speed limit, when along came a car swerving and speeding behind me; I instantly thought the person was drunk.  The driver of the car started honking his horn for me to get out of his way.  I pretended not to notice, as I looked out my rear-view mirror watching him give me the bird.  After about five minutes of me being told I was number one, through this guys version of sign language, and reading his lips in my rear-view mirror, I pulled up to a traffic light.  The thought to be intoxicated guy, pulled up beside me and was still telling me I was number one. Surprisingly, I saw a girls head rise up out of his lap while whipping her mouth.  I rolled down my window and nodded my head at the girl, then pointed to my watch.  She shared the same sign language as the driver.  I learned today that sometimes road rage should just be ignored because it's only getting “blown” out of proportion.

A Topless Pizza (Re-post from 11/6/11)

I went to a pizza restaurant today and pick up a pizza I had ordered; it was nothing unusual for a normal football Sunday for me, but when I was paying for the pizza I saw a girl sneak from the kitchen to the restroom topless. After clearing my throat, I pulled my schedule book out of my pocket and changed next Sundays football viewing location.  That made the over-priced pizza worth the price.

A Compliment

Not long ago, someone told me that I did not look a day over 25.  A compliment is a compliment, but really makes you think when a blind person tells you how old you look.