Guns & Girls

I must admit that I am a nerd at heart, and love comic books.  They amuse me as a form of entertainment that bust loose, on the pages, and can offer you things that movies can't offer.  Depending on what company, main stream or independent, publishes the comic series, that even you yourself might enjoy, can make a big difference in how graphic (violent, gory, nudity) the story and artwork can be.  All nerdiness aside, is it just me or my over observant personality that notices how 90% of the time the cover of a comic book is a hell of a lot better than the story/artwork in the comic book itself?  So when you walk into a comic book store, and see some hot big breasted babe on the cover or a kick ass dude carrying a Rambo machine gun, looking like he is ready to flatten evil in one smooth swipe, just remember you can't read a book by its cover.

My Own T-Shirt

Lets pick up where we left off yesterday.  I was talking about, if I was a ghost writer, why would I use the name Hank Epstein? There are flashier names I could use to be someone else. I use to catch hell from people about my name around 1997 and still do occasionally.  If something becomes familiar to everyone, especially in pop culture, like a TV show, a song, a movie, among other things,  it is very easy to get labeled and laughed at if your name is part of a quote or character form the pop phenomenon.  Have you caught on to where I am taking this?  I was portrayed as a cartoon character and laughed at because we had the same name.  The one thing that bothered me the most was the cartoon character was not even an animated person.  I almost felt like changing my name because I could not even go to my favorite coffee house without someone cracking a joke. Have you figured it out yet?  For those who have not figured it out yet, they referred to me as a turd?  Yes!  They took my name and referred to me as the talking turd on South Park, Mr. Hanky.  That right, they took my name, Mr. Hank E, and even made t-shirts with a characterture of my face on them. I did get a lot of free drinks because of it, but I never got laid because of my name, go figure.

Richard Castle, The Writer

Like most people, who like TV shows, I like a good police drama with a touch of comedy added to its clue finding suspense.  The TV show Castle really hits the spot when I am looking for that type of entertainment.  Embarrassing, some might would think, but I have seen every episode of Castle, and love the characters so much that I wanted to see if the books (New Wave, Heat Rises, and Naked Heat) from the TV show were as entertaining.  I found them to be as good as I was hoping they would be, but who actually wrote them?  The books are tagged with by Richard Castle on them. Does ABC think that humanity just fell of the turnip truck?  Maybe I will have to give ABC half credit on that one because I am sure there are a lot of people who think Richard Castle, the TV character, actually wrote the books.  How would you like to be a ghost writer, and have a book on the New York Times best-selling list, and no one knows who you are?  That would be a total “Why Me” situation.  I am sure ABC has no intent on telling who wrote the books by Richard Castle.  That really makes me think.  Are we sure that the popular book’s that we read are actually written by whose name is on the cover?  Hell, for all you know, I might not even be Hank Epstein, but if I were a ghost writer I am sure there are flashier names that I could pick from.

Jack's Pizza Shack

Today was a good football day; compared to last Sunday when I lost $20, but today I won $40.  The running game was not in the dirt like it was last week, and I got my pizza for half price.  That's why the Jack's Pizza Shack ad is posted on my blog.  Amy wasn't working today, but I found out a few things about Jack's Pizza Shack that was just as funny.  They had a midnight Xbox/keg party at the restaurant last  night and charged a cover price to enter.  The funny thing about it was their manager, Bob, was losing more money on the college football games than he could pay off, so his bookie took the pizza oven last night till he could pay up.  They brought in enough money on the cover charges to pay off the midget bookie named biggie, and he was nice enough to put the oven back in free of charge.   I'm not lying, that's what was so funny about this shit because you could actually sit back, drink a pitcher of beer, watch the whole fiasco, and be entertained. Oh yea, I found out who Jack was, surprisingly it wasn't Bob, but that is another complete blog posting all together because the crew at Jack's Pizza Shack invited me to a party tonight. With the way things are going, maybe Amy will be there.

Yesterday's Commercials

A DVR (Digital Video Recorder) is a great piece of equipment to add to your entertainment system.  Not only does it save you a great deal of time, but the headaches it keeps you from having helps add more time to life before you hit its off ramp.  Like everything else in life, a DVR also has a down side.  Let me correct that; a lot of people who own DVR’s make them look like they have a down side.  I lost count when I ran out of fingers, toes, and other body parts to keep track of all the times I have seen it happen.  Have you ever been in a restaurant or a store and someone in line is bitching because they were over-charged?  Then, thinking they are smarter than the person at the register, they quote the commercial and round it out with, they saw it on TV.  To cut a long, better when drinking shots, story short, they were watching a TV show the night before which they had recorded weeks earlier on their DVR.  From the actions of the people I just mentioned, I guess it goes to show that a DVR never gets “old” because it makes some people think today was yesterday, or the day before that, etc. Life might not always be a bowl of cherries, but better you laugh at it because if you don't it will only laugh at you.

Free Ticket Friday

What is Black Friday: a shopping rush, a time to under pay for something that might not work on Christmas, a knock down drag out fight, or the only day/night of the year that some people crawl out from under their rocks?  With all the pros and cons that exist on Black Friday, I must say today was the funniest thing I had ever seen.  My friend and I went out in to the mad crazed rush, not to shop, but to watch the people fight over the crap they will probably have to bring back after Christmas.  It is like a free viewing of the gladiator games in the commercial retail coliseum.  As my friend and I stood in the electronics department at the commercial retail coliseum, I said, “You know what would be really funny?”

 He said, “What?”

“I would love to see what the crowd would do if I yelled there are three new 52’’ high definition flat screen TVs on sale for $20 each in sporting goods!”

“Don't do that dude; they will kill us!”

But low and behold, there was a kid that heard half of our conversation and yelled out what he heard me say.  I swear I had never seen a bigger heard of cattle at one time in the same place.  Thank God no one got hurt.  My friend and I were laughing, while trying to keep a straight face, as we casually left the store like we had seen absolutely nothing.  If we had known the kid was going to yell what he did, we would have filmed it with our phones and made it a youtube moment.  Hey, maybe next year?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!  Please do not eat turkey and drive (zzzzzzzzzzzz)!

Negotiating Time Travel

I had a meeting today; over a project I am looking forward to working on, and was getting lost when they were negotiating.  I wasn't getting lost because I didn’t know what they were talking about, but was getting lost because I was day dreaming.  When people are throwing numbers back and forth and insisting on this or that with no intent on budging, I always wonder how many different outcomes could be possible and what they would be.  OK, I am not trying to be confusing, but this is where it gets fun because what If you could time travel and could go back in time and change what you say or do to see what the outcome would be.  You could tell the lawyers, that are making no since or that are trying to cheat you, to kiss your ass.  You have a list of people you could tell to shut up and sit down if they continue to linger on the same things over and over to hide something that they don't want touched in the contract.  After about 30 minutes of day dreaming and thinking of all my outcomes, I started laughing so hard I was coughing.  You could have heard a pin drop; everyone in the room turned around and looked at me as I stood up.  I said, “Well guys, you know what I want and you know what I need, but time travel is just a theory.”  They looked at me like I was crazy as I walked out the door.   Fuck’em!   They will give me more of what I want closer to the end of the year.

Chef Gordon Nightmare Ramsay

Chef Gordon Ramsay is a man who has many TV shows and owns a number of great restaurants around the world.  One of his popular TV shows is called Kitchen Nightmare.  The reality show, Kitchen Nightmare, consist of the story idea where they contact him to help fix their restaurant: he samples their food and tells them it taste like shit, he tries to find out from the owners and employees why their restaurant sucks and is losing money, then he turns it all around by changing the people and their menu.  OK, seems simple enough, but how do they actually find these restaurants?  They supposable contact him, but are they really answering an ad or call to find restaurants in their situation?  Did they read a posting on Craig's List:  is your restaurant losing money, does the food from your menu taste like shit, are you an idiot and do not realize you can kill people from serving them rotten meats and vegetables, did your chef learn how to cook in a fast food restaurant, or did you listen to the chic that you brought back from Bangkok on her investment advice (human trafficking never pays)?  I just hope to God the restaurants that are on Kitchen Nightmares are not a general reference to the American food industry

A Topless Pizza Part 2

Yesterday was a normal football Sunday, but like I wrote on the November 6, 2011 post (please re-read), my football viewing pleasure would take place at the pizza restaurant, Jack’s Pizza Shack.  The girl, Amy, who I saw sneaking to the restroom, has willingly cut her hours down on her work schedule because her alternate income, selling Amateur DVD’s of herself, is more satisfying.   Although her DVD’s are amateur, I must say the production quality is mighty pleasing.  Since Amy was not there on Sunday I watched the football game, ate some overpriced pizza, and drank a few beers.  While I was watching the miserable running game that drove itself in the dirt, I was over hearing a few of the waitresses talking.  They referred to customers as bellybuttons.  I could not help but interrupt their conversation by asking them how in the hell are customers bellybuttons.  They plainly replied that customers are either innies or outties , entering the restaurant or leaving the restaurant.  I laughed, drank a few more beers, and lost twenty dollars on the lousy football game.  Even though I was out twenty dollars, it was not all a loss because I at least had another DVD to add to my collection.

Santa: The Serial Killer

Have you ever seen a skeleton with a bow on its head, a turkey with an arrow through its heart, or Santa Clause chopping off a human’s head with a bloody cleaver in his hand?  I am surprised we do not see advertisements like that during the last three months of the year.  Every year the three holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, are merged closer and closer together through advertising.  I can understand a company wanting to be first and have its foot in the holiday season door to make money, but let’s not make a cluster f*** out of it.  Before long we will be watching advertisements of Santa being possessed, holding a Rambo machine gun, and mowing down flock after flock of wild turkeys.  Then someone will take the idea and make a movie out of it.  Only in America!

Kevin Smith

In my opinion, Kevin Smith is a great comedy writer and director.  I love his movies; for example, Clerks, Mall Rats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Clerks 2, etc.  I understand he might want to make a few changes in what he has to offer society as far as entertainment is concerned, Red State, but what was he thinking?   Instead of having the two stoner's, Jay and Silent Bob, take control and save the day, why did he have to literally kill almost everyone in the story; for example, the three teenagers trying to get laid,  the gay sheriff, and so on?   Why didn't he put Jay and Silent Bob in Red State like he did in the movies listed above?  The eco dump/compost collective, which turned out to be a marijuana grow house, should have had Jay and Silent Bob intertwined with it.  But of all things, when the three high school boys where going to get laid and side swiped the sheriffs car, it should have been Jay's head that popped up from the sheriffs lap, an extension of the way George Carlin told them how to hitchhike in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.  Lets not forget Silent Bob, he would have been taking a piss on the bushes, and when the car was side swiped, he would have turned his head to see what happened with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.  I am not totally saying I did not care to see Red State, but I am trying to point out how it would have been more entertaining if Kevin Smith had put his two signature characters in for cameo appearances.

Youtube Moment

Stop!  I am warning you this blog post is gross. Yes, this is a disclaimer, so if you get sick or feel woozy after reading it, don't blame me.  

Have you ever ridden on a bus?  For those who have, you know sometimes they can be over crowded, very uncomfortable, and make you realize public transportation, more than often, really sucks.  I rode the bus to a meeting today, call me cheap, but I did not want to drive my car on the bumper bumping city streets.  The bus was so crowded I had to stand and hold on to one of the grimy passenger handles to keep from falling every time the driver slammed on his breaks.  Everyone was so close together, breaking each other's personal space, there was no doubt the word comfortable had been socially taken out of the English vocabulary during the bus ride from hell.  You ready for the gross part?  There was a lady standing beside me and between the two of us was her 10 year old daughter.  Her daughter grabbed her stomach and started coughing while facing a row of people that were staring at her.  Then out of the blue, the sick girl vomited all over them.  I don't mean once but three times.  It was not just a casual vomit but one that had a projectile spraying everything around it.  I watched people wiping the vomit off their bodies, and saw one lady stand up, that had open sandals on, with the vomit squishing between her toes.  Everyone on the bus had their eyes and mouths open wide, saying nothing, just hoping it was all over.  That was a definite Youtube moment.  I, of course, felt like the chosen one because I did not get one chunk, splat, morsel, or ricochet of the vomit on me. 

The Art Of Counting

I didn’t have any meetings today, so I just relaxed and did whatever came along.  At 11am I decided I should take a coffee break and stop at Shmeckler's Bean Café.  I am sorry but that is just not a name to use for strong advertising, but I digress.  I was standing in line listening to the two women in front of me talk about someone counting.  They gave an example of the person counting to twenty by using the numbers 1,2,3,4,5,12,15,17, and 18.  I could not help myself but laugh at the, what seemed to be, creative accounting.  The two fairly attractive women turned to me and stared.  I kept laughing and said, “You know, I couldn't help but over hear your feelings about congress”.  One of the women gave me a smart ass look and said, “I am talking about my two year old son”.  I offered my apology and they turned away.  Mistaking a two year old kid counting to twenty for the creative accounting techniques of how congress spends our money made me skip the coffee and drive to Joe's Tavern.  At least Joe's Tavern has a cool logo.

You Can Bank On That

I have often questioned banks about their policies, and find it very pretty insulting that they change rules at their convenience.  OK, most companies do things or request things from their customers in the scheme of make more money.  I can understand that if you are selling a whole sale product, retail, or even food.  But when banks invest your money for themselves, I think they should be able to cover the petty issues instead of price gouging everyone; for example, checking account, ATM cards, etc.  I thought all things had been achieved for a bank to take your money, but they seem to be so desperate in hoping that you screw up that they even put Braille on the key pads at the drive through ATM's.  They always insist that you do not walk up to the drive through ATM's, so how is the Braille going to be of much use.  Are they getting so desperate that they hope a blind person is subsequently driving a car and can pull into the, more than often, narrow area to use the ATM.?  If by good fortune a nice blind person could get their car to the ATM, how in the hell are they going to read the screen.  All things said can really make you wonder about evolution and if it just stopped a wee bit short of its objective when it comes to banks and their mentality.

Picture This

I was walking out of the book store today, and I saw a male and female couple sitting on the sidewalk in front of the liquor store.  They were kissing, so I thought to myself, well that's there business, and kept walking.  By the time I had walked half way to my car, I heard noises from them that sounded like two steam engines getting ready to collide. I could not help myself, so I turned around and saw clothes flying through the air.  Apparently these two, either drunk or exhibitionist,  love makers were ready to take flight.  They just kept going full steam ahead till a police car drove up.  Both of them were wrapped in blankets and placed in opposite patrol cars.  After the show was over,  I got my happy ass up and was opening my car door.  I was almost in the car when a, questionably, friendly police officer started asking me questions about what had happened.  I told the “nice” police officer in GREAT detail what I had seen, or, I should say, what they had done.  Over all my day was pretty good except for when the police officer made me erase the pictures off my phone.  Hey, I’m only human. 

Tax Write-Off

I never knew there were activists for gerbils!

Ground Control To Major Tom

A contact link use to be part of the essential formula used in constructing a web page.  That was for the simple purpose of anyone having a compliment, complaint, or question about a person's web page, and making it mere child's play on how to contact them by e-mail.  With that being said!  I have started to notice that the word contact is disappearing from a number of web pages.  Some people are starting to use  <form> script for you to be able to contact them which is no problem,  but when they require you to join their web page before you can contact them, that's them telling you to kiss their a**.  If someone has something to say about my blog, please send me an e-mail: hankepstein@mylampoonlife.com  .  I accept compliments, complaints, questions, donations, phone numbers, hot pictures, more donations, more hot pictures, your fantasies, but please don’t send suicide notes. 

Emo Land

The video below, by Lampoon Toons, says it all.  Emo this!

  

Explosion At 10:00

I received a phone call today from one of my college roommates.  It had been awhile since I had heard from Van, and was glad to hear from him.  He was quite a character in college. He was also a proven fact that the human body runs like clock-work. How you ask!  Let me tell you.  Every night we were in college he would pass gas, break wind, or fart (however you would like to say it) at 10pm.  And at 10pm, there was an obscure cable station with a TV show that made us laugh until we cried.  I don't care if we were studying, partying, or just sleeping.  Van would have a huge ass explosion that was like an alarm telling us to turn on the TV.  We actually started making money by taking bets on his nightly ass explosions when we were broke.  So what did I learn in college?  I learned that an ass explosion is not just funny, but shows what a wonderful piece of biological machinery that the human body can be.  Oh by the way, Van admitted, except for daylight saving time, he still has a 10pm ass explosion every night.

A Dollar Plus Tax

Now days a lot of people are watching their dollars, and for good reason, considering how prices keep rising.  But taking to account all the things that people really hate hearing about in an economy that is chancy, there still lies’ some humor in the whole dollar fiasco.  When someone see’s the word dollar in a stores name most people, more or less, think that things would cost a dollar in the freakin store; for example, The Dollar Tree, or The Dollar General Store.  The Dollar Tree’s store name is correct and you can purchase a wide assortment of products for a dollar in the store, plus tax lol.  The Dollar General Store, on the other hand, has a very misleading name. Not everything is a dollar in The Dollar General Store and a lot of times you have to search for the price and can’t even find it, why, because the product price you are searching for cost more than a dollar.  So the next time you want to pay a dollar, plus tax lol, for product, just remember you always get what you pay for.

Fifteen Years In The 4th Grade

I love to watch TV shows and feature films just like the next person, but when a TV show has a long life it really makes me wonder what the characters could become.  I like the TV show South Park, by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and love the shows main characters; for example, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, and Kenny.  This year, 2011, is the 15^th season that South Park has been going strong and the 15^th year the main characters have been in the 4^th grade.  They should be finishing their Masters Degrees this year, in our current space-time continuum, but that’s real life not South Park.   Just call me crazy but I would love to see if Cartman becomes a politician, or if Stan becomes a Botanist who grows some great weed that puts him on the cover of High Times Magazine, or if Kyle becomes Steven Spielberg’s Lawyer, or if Butters becomes a high school councilor, or if Kenny lives in a plastic bubble to help protect him from dying.  Let’s not forget Wendy.  I would bet my left nut that she either gets knocked up by Stan or becomes a lesbian.

Stupid vs. Ignorant

Today I watched someone ask a question at a sandwich shop, S****Y, that made me realize how stupid people can really be.  Let’s start with the definition of two words that one may be mistaken for the other.

Used as adjectives

Stupid: Lacking intelligence or common sense.

Ignorant: Lacking knowledge or awareness in general.

I was standing in line telling the nice person what I wanted on my sandwich when I noticed a confused guy at the register.  He was asked what size drink he wanted, and then he stared at the cups with a very questionable look on his face.  The cashier was patiently waiting and asked the guy if he wanted a medium size drink.  The guy still looking as clueless as any living human being could, asked the cashier if all the sizes where the same price.  Let’s give this guy the benefit of the doubt for a second.  No let’s not because there were three sizes for him to choose from with each one of them being 10 ounces more than the one bellow it; for example, 20oz, 30oz, 40oz.  Who, in their own mind, would think you could purchase 40oz’s of a product for the same price you could 20oz’s of the same product in the same store? That’s not ignorant that's just F***EN STUPID.  You don’t think so?  Re-read the definitions listed above.  Common sense is something a large part of society is really lacking.  Yes their stupid also lol!

Road Rage "Blows"

I was driving to the gas station today, taking my time and not breaking the speed limit, when along came a car swerving and speeding behind me; I instantly thought the person was drunk.  The driver of the car started honking his horn for me to get out of his way.  I pretended not to notice, as I looked out my rear-view mirror watching him give me the bird.  After about five minutes of me being told I was number one, through this guys version of sign language, and reading his lips in my rear-view mirror, I pulled up to a traffic light.  The thought to be intoxicated guy, pulled up beside me and was still telling me I was number one. Surprisingly, I saw a girls head rise up out of his lap while whipping her mouth.  I rolled down my window and nodded my head at the girl, then pointed to my watch.  She shared the same sign language as the driver.  I learned today that sometimes road rage should just be ignored because it's only getting “blown” out of proportion.

A Topless Pizza (Re-post from 11/6/11)

I went to a pizza restaurant today and pick up a pizza I had ordered; it was nothing unusual for a normal football Sunday for me, but when I was paying for the pizza I saw a girl sneak from the kitchen to the restroom topless. After clearing my throat, I pulled my schedule book out of my pocket and changed next Sundays football viewing location.  That made the over-priced pizza worth the price.

A Compliment

Not long ago, someone told me that I did not look a day over 25.  A compliment is a compliment, but really makes you think when a blind person tells you how old you look.