Squatty Potty

I heard a commercial on the radio about the squatty potty. Now that sounds like a healthy way to take a shit.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com
@MyLampoonLife

My Pizza

My Buds at Jack's Pizza Shack want to name a pizza after me. I like so many different pizzas it's going to be hard to pick just one.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com
@MyLampoonLife

How Many Licks

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? That is such an unbalanced question! Think about it.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com
@MyLampoonLife

Book Store 2.0 part 2

....While upgrading myself like and android, I came across a book that has always interested me. The book was about Leonardo da Vinci's book of inventions. I think the pictures of the inventions and when they were drawn are beautiful.  OK! I know some of the inventions have been verified that Leo might have not been the first person to invented them. That's fine! The drawings still look nice! Another book I always stare at, when in the book store, is the hard back sketch books. I have so many ideas one of my business partners told me I should start sketching them out--The time Machine I sketched yesterday would be on page one if it was not Dan's idea. I am in the entertainment industry, I am not and engineer--Maybe I should have been.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com
@MyLampoonLife

Book Store 2.0 part 1

I was sitting in my office a little before noon and for some reason got totally board.  If I am not motivated and do not have any since or creativity, I am pretty worthless around the office. There is one thing that always, and I mean always, helps me get out of that rut.  I love to go to a book store because a book store is full of ideas and stories. I can walk from book aisle to book aisle, look at all the books and magazines, and even look at the dopey novelty trinkets ,soaking it up like a sponge. It makes me feel like an android being upgraded, refreshing my database, countless ideas colliding....

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com
@MyLampoonLife

Stay Gold

I watched the sunrise this morning. Priceless! I better make sure it didn't put me in a new tax bracket.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com
@MyLampoonLife

Kitten Names

I have four kittens from what had to be Immaculate Conception.  Does anyone know any good cat names.

Hank E

mylampoonlife.com

@MyLampoonLife

Brunch, Scribbling, Time Travel

Brunch is an interesting meeting/eating time. I feel the word, brunch, should be defined to when someone has been asked what time they would like to meet, but have no clue and say fuck it. So the next time you hear the phrase, Fuck it--just simply reply, Brunch it is.

Today I met with Dan, a very inventive story teller, for brunch, go figure. He had sent me a one-sheet to a story he had come up with.  I was interested and wanted to hear more. The restaurant was new and very tasty. After we ate, Dan started telling more about his great time travelling sci-fi story. While he was talking, I was scribbling on my napkin.  I think my scribbling was starting to get to Dan.  He put his hands on the table and said my name. I looked at him and held up the napkin. His eyes got big.  He smiled and said that's it. I looked at the time machine I had just scribbled, If it was only that easy.

Hank E.
mylampoonlife.com
@MyLampoonLife

Penny A Beer

The Gambler! When spinning a penny--80% of the time it will land tails up? I read that on my iPhone last night and won two beers. I love technology!

Hank E

mylampoonlife.com

@MyLampoonLife

Drunk, Selfies, Time Machine

Never be around people doing selfies when you're drunk. The morning after is when you actually try to invent a time machine.

Hank E

mylampoonlife.com

@MyLampoonLife

Party, Dance, Explanation

Safety Dance

Here is a song you never forget,  You hear it once--it seems like you hear it the rest of your life. I think this song pretty much fits an explanation of the "costume" party last night at Jack's Pizza Shack.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com
@MyLampoonLife

Pop Culture, Pizza, Guide

I have been on the internet finding out what the character Arthur Dent would have looked like. Arthur Dent is the protagonist in the book and the series of books Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I got a text message from my Buds at Jack's Pizza Shack asking me if I wanted to come to a "costume" party tonight around closing hours. I told them I did not know what to dress up as. That's when Andy, from Jack's Pizza Shack, texted me, what is one of your favorite pop culture books? I told him Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. He texted me, Arthur Dent it is then.  I think this will be fun. I might not be what Douglas Adams had in mind for Arthur Dent when he wrote the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, but A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools (Look it up).

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com
@MyLampoonLife

Deep Throat

I ran into an old friend, Mike, today.  We use to do a lot of business together when I was in L.A. during my early years.  Mike was an actor, a pretty good actor I thought--sometimes it does not matter how good  you are as an actor, but what matters to them is do you look good on their poster. Questionable, I know! I always respected Mike because he was always ingenious in the way he "practiced" his art and made money at the same time. Let me explain!  Everyone knows all the hot spots in L.A. where all the producers, directors and so on go to eat and party. More than often they would talk business when doing such things. When it came down to the nitty gritty of cutting a deal, they would exit the building and make it short before they got in their cars... This is where Mike started working. He would be pretending like he was working on the road , a sign, etc, and they would think nothing of him. Every word that came out of their mouths was like an ATM to Mike. He would then take the conversations and package them. He now has a government job.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com
@MyLampoonLife

Gimme My Nickel Bitch

Gimme My Nickel Bitch

I was flipping through all the old videos on my phone last night, and I found one that I loved but had completely forgotten about. The Video was shot in a small theater down south a few years ago.  The girl, Maia, in the video, is a very creative girl that has a knack to writing funny rap songs. My words can not do the short video justice.  You must watch it!

Hank E

mylampoonlife.com

Hank For President!

Morning Hangover

I woke up this morning--I had to walk to my kitchen with the lights off because the light was making my headache worse than it already was. I tried to read the newspaper from the fish tank light while drinking one cup of coffee after another. The RPG game that Max sent me is very addictive. The past two nights have been very competitive at Jack's Pizza Shack while playing the game. Max sure knows how to target a group.  Unlike most games, this game only gets funner the more you drink. The funny thing about it, is that Max does not even drink alcohol.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com

Weekly Newsletter From Walley's

Walley sends out  a newsletter once a week.  Like I explained on 9/17/15, Walley's is a hole in the wall bar where the only people who show up are the people who know life and have been through it more than their share. He likes to look at us like a secret group that trades ideas or just tell each other to fuck off if we don't agree with others view points. He keeps us posted on any new things that might be informative... If there is nothing of interest for him to put in his weekly newsletter, he only sends one joke under the title.  I am not sure where he gets these jokes, but they usually make me laugh so hard I cry.

This week there was no joke in the newsletter,

The newsletter only had a short paragraph.  Charlie (must read the post from 9/17/15) had passed away and had no family. Being the good old fart Walley is--He had Charlie cremated, and is now in an urn sitting between a bottle of Jack Daniels and a bottle of Jim Beam in front of the huge mirror behind the bar. There is more to Charlie than most people know and more than most people would ever be able to know.  We are all going to pay or respects to him today at 2:30 pm.

Charlie this one is to you! Take care my friend!

Hank E.
mylampoonlife.com

Beer, TV Pilot, RPG

Today has been a very busy day. I read a few script, heard one pitch, and watched an independent TV pilot. The pilot was very good but way to much for network TV. The show would have to go directly to premium cable or streaming. All the things I mentioned was just a touch of the ice berg compared to everything I did today.

I got a text message from my friend, Max, who told me to check my email. Max is very creative and ingenious person. He, not only, works with films, but he is also a tabletop RPG game designer.  He designed a game, he thought I would like, and sent the instructions in a PDF file to my email. I read the instructions and thought the game sounded fun, so I called my buds at Jack's Pizza Shack and told them to have the pizza and pitchers ready for the VIP room at 10 pm. I think the game will be something fun and worth a try.

Oh, by the way, My cat had kittens today.  Now I need to find out how she got pregnant. She must have an escape route, or it was immaculate conception which would lead to reincarnation. I better leave it there.

Don't Eat It Rocky

I woke up this morning around 4 am and could not go back to sleep, so I started sorting through my DVD collection. Movies are a weird thing for me.  If I really like a movie I will watch it over and over again till I am sick of it, or till time passes by and I want to watch it again. I picked out a movie I have watched from the theater, Laserdisc, VHS, DVD, and Blu-Ray. ROCKY! I fell back asleep on the sofa about half way through the movie.

I woke up again at 9 am when Brian, a business partner, called. After I answered the phone, I walked into my kitchen opening a carton of eggs and drank four of them raw. Brain asked me what I was doing. I told him I watched ROCKY this morning.

I met Brian for lunch at a fusion sub sandwich restaurant, don't ask. We talked for awhile trying to eat that crap on bread, and he made an interesting point for a project I should do.  He said if Kevin Smith can do this why can't you.  He wants me to start a diary like I am doing my blog and make a book out of it.  He even had the name for the book. I must admit, I did laugh at the name he came up with--The name was very entertaining. I wrote down the name of the book in my note pad while I was looking for a comment card. Who in their right mind tries to fusion a deli sub sandwich.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com

Mr. Gold

I just ate a beer brat, sauerkraut, and a touch of the best mustard I have ever eaten.  I had to shake my head--I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I always buy two instead of one. Every time I purchase one, I always pass by this older gentleman, Mr. Gold, on the sidewalk, we sit on a bench, eat our brats, and talk.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com

Kiss The Ring

I had an idea about two months ago and pondered on it for a few days before putting forth the first step. I know it is football season, which I love, and that's what it's all about. I have mentioned my Buds at Jack's Pizza Shack a number of time and this is where it all takes place. Jack's Pizza Shack is more toward the smaller size of a restaurant. My Buds are there, they have great pizza and beer, and their Sunday and Monday Night football area is becoming overly crowded, There is a med size hallway going to the back entrance with nothing but one door on the side when walking through it. Apparently, way back when, before Jack's Pizza Shack owned the area, there was another small restaurant in the same location but the owner had redesigned the inside to make an area to where he could live.  It's kind of an ingenious way the previous owner had altered the area. The area, off the hallway, is not used by Jack's Pizza Shack,. Although, they do pay own it and can not tear down any of the walls due to codes--Storage space is not even and available option.

I decided to call a few friends that do set designs. They both owe me favors from a few years back on a project that was a nightmare. In just two week with a few of my dollars, The VIP room at Jack's Pizza Shack was born.  The VIP room has a great 4k TV, two sofas, some chairs, and a table. Lets not forget, the small restroom that was already attached to the room. And out of the goodness of the set designer's hearts--they even put a strippers poll up in the corner. The only way you can get into the VIP room is if you have the digital code.  I would have really loved it if the VIP room was ready last week, but hey, all good things come to those people who wait (bullshit), My Buds and Jack's Pizza Shack are happy for their private area and I am happy to be a VIP.  I almost feel like the Godfather, but not Catholic.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com

Disco is Dead--VHS Lives

Disco is Dead! Who's going to argue with that? VHS is still alive! OK, you might not be able to go out and buy a new release film on VHS, but there are still a ton of them out there. Why am I even bringing up VHS? Not only did I get home last night around 3:30 am and would have been in jail if I was driving, but when I walked through the door late last night something came to me. There are a lot of movies that were never transferred to digital from VHS. One of the gems I have in my collection is The Blair Witch Project on VHS before Miramax tampered with it. I popped the VHS tape in the player and got to view a piece of film history. Plus, it still scares the shit our of me.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com

The Book, The Pig, and The Library

I  was walking past the public library today and decided to go in and look around.  The Public Library, I admit, is not a place that I visit frequently. While feeling like a one legged man in a butt kicking contest--I fortunately came across a book that I read around 15 years ago. The book was titled A Pound of Flesh: Perilous Tales of How to Produce Movies in Hollywood, and was written by Art Linson. I always thought this book should be a requirement for anyone interested in making film a carrier. I had the book in my hands while I walked up to the check out desk--only to learn, What happens when you are drunk and dressed in a pig outfit should stay with when your drunk dressed in a pig outfit. College! I was not going to stop there.  That was  not the end, but the beginning of an afternoon crusade.  I picked up my cell phone and called all the bookstores I could find til I found one that had the book. I not only bought the hardback edition for myself, but mailed five of my friends new to the industry each a copy. I wish I still had that pig outfit.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com

A Perfect Mad Magazine Cover

This is a question we talked about at a meeting today.  I swear it was.

Who would win if Harry Potter, Darth Vader, and Ash, from The Evil Dead, where put in an arena to battle to the death?

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com

Lampoon Blog

I woke up this morning and actually felt good.  I was thinking real hard--did I get laid last night? Na, I  went to bed at a decent hour lol. Shockingly enough, when I walked down the stairs to my kitchen and got some coffee; I cooked myself a damn good breakfast. After the third egg and the other breakfast nourishment, I was sitting at my computer opening my email account. Holly Shit, I had never seen so much email at one time in my account. Some of the email was from people who thanked me for starting my blog back, and the other was from people who read my blog from yesterday about Walley's that wanted me to run for president. Thanks for welcoming me back on the blog, I appreciate it. But running for president,that is a different story on a different day. Oh by the way, I'm not as rich and Trump, who's going to forfeit the Benjamin's?

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com

Walley's

There are some nights when I want to get away from everything and go to where only a few people actually go. The bar, Walley's, is a hole in the wall bar where the only people who show up are the people who know life and have been through it more than their share. While I was sitting at the bar drinking my beer I was keeping and eye on the GOP debate in the old black and white TV on the corner of the bar. Charlie sat next to me and said, "Where have you been Hank." I let him know I had been on the road a lot lately. Charlie is an ex-politician himself who never got out of New York. He started trying to get my feed on the debate and I was not in the mood for politics at that time.  I got another beer from Walley and Walley asked me if I had ever thought about running for president.  I laughed and told him they wouldn't want me ass there.  After I was half way through my second beer, I looked at Charlie and told him Trump and Cruz 2016 for the GOP and no one has a clue yet for the DNC, and asked for my tab. I stood up and Walley said this one is on the house Mr. President and winked.  Some places will never be forgotten.

Hank E.
mylampoonlife.com

About Time Zuckerberg

This is the best thing Zuckerberg ever made.

I always knew he was an innovator.

Hank E.

www.mylampoonlife.com

Animals, Accountants and Hangeovers

I'm starting to think my accountant is just to nosy.  Do most accountant act this way?  He called me this morning and woke up me as I started a bitchen hangover. I answer the phone and he asked if I knew what MJ's Head Shop was, and my reply was do you?  Of course he told me no. I told him he needed to loosen up and take a vacation and I hung up the phone. Then with out another thought--I put my earbuds in and listened to Animals by Pink Floyd "softly" until I remembered what day it was.

Hank E.
www.mylampoonlife.com

What's Next In TV Show Porn

Since reality TV has come in to existence, there has been more and more porn TV shows created.  Let me explain!  All the TV shows like The First 48, for example, are called murder porn.  Any TV show that has excessive food making or eating is called food porn.  I have never heard of all the house buying/remodeling TV shows on Direct TV labeled in that category, until now, so that would even be categorized as house porn. Wait, let’s not stop there!  We must give Rick and the old man credit for bringing us pawn porn. I personally have never seen a gardening porn TV show.  What’s next!

TV Porn Categories

Murder Porn

Food Porn

Pawn Porn

House Porn (New Term)

Gardening Porn (????)

If you have or know of any other TV porn categories, email me at hankepstein@mylampoonlife.com .  I will add them to the TV Porn Categories list.

Hank E.

www.mylampoonlife.com

Pizza Sauce and Cheese

I got off the plane this morning and was finally home.  Traveling for business has its ups and downs, but I always miss my hometown food and friends.  I stopped by Jack's Pizza Shack to see what my buds where up to and get some great pizza. I had been out of town for two weeks and was overly anxious to get back to the norm, so I was at the door when they "were" suppose to open and ended up sitting on the bench out front for 30 mins till someone showed up.  I like to be punctual and had a hunger for that pizza sauce and cheese, but was checking my email on my iphone while waiting and noticed the invite one of them had sent me to a party on Saturday, the night before. The gang started showing up as the line outside started to build.  I was keeping the people in the line happy by talking to them all. Every time one of the gang passed me going into the restaurant all I heard was I owe you one. So when things are looking down never forget there are always ways of making it better, plus its a cheep way of making sure you stash is always there.

Hank E.
mylampoonlife.com

I Like Nashville

I was in Nashville the other day on business, and noticed how active and hip the city had become.  I was interested in seeing how the city had grown, so I pulled out my iphone and requested a ride from Lyft. I wanted to use Lyft because their drivers seem to be nicer and more talkative than Uber. My driver was very knowledgeable about Nashville and drove me around to many places that showed me how Nashville is becoming a city that needs to be noticed. While riding around the city, I had many new ideas for interesting movie concepts--the closer we got to the coffee house, I found out my driver was an independent filmmaker. To make a long story short, we ended up in the coffee house bouncing ideas off one other, and wrote a film one sheet with a high concept before finishing our coffee.. Later that night I pitched the film idea to one of my colleagues in New York.  I like Nashville! I made a new friend and a future business partner.

Hank E
mylampoonlife.com

Hank is Back

It has been a few years since I worked on my blog, My Lampoon Life, but I am back.  I have a lot to  write about--I love to share my life. Why, I have not idea. If the two web stoner. Ned and Ted, had not created me a webpage, www.mylampoonlife.com , and begged me to start my blog back, I am not sure what might have happened.

If you have read my blog in the past which parts did you like?

Hank's back!